It’s like being lucky enough to have a gorgeous car, but the car doesn’t quite work right. You have spent years working on it trying to get it to the point that you completely trust its reliability and trust that it will drive as well as you imagine. Throughout those years of working on the car you are imagining your life with that gorgeous perfect car….you have built your life around that car. You are so involved with that car that you can not see anything else, all you can see is you and that car going everywhere together, experiencing life together, growing old together.
But as the years continue on, the gorgeous car is still not in driving order…you begin to realize that you do not have the skills, or the tools, or even the correct part to make that car run….ever. All those years working and imagining your life with that car were in vain. All those dreams and plans for your future with that beautifully perfect car will never materialize.
And you then are made aware that someone else, someone across town has the skills, the tools, the part to make YOUR car run perfectly. This other person will walk up to this car and will know exactly what to do to make it run. And out of love for that car you give it away to that more skillful, more intelligent, more qualified person than you. And you have to stand by and watch that other person live out all those hopes and dreams you had with that car. It hurts beyond belief to give up on something you have only ever wanted…
And then you are left with the question…should you find another car to work on or find a new hobby all together?
Sitting here with a glass of cheap Riesling, a good book that is about to be devoured, mulling over my thoughts. And what do I do best when mulling thoughts? I write. So here goes…
These last couple of days have been strange ones. Step back four or five years ago and my emotions towards the last days events would have been much more positive. Yesterday, I got a call to come in for an interview at the one school I have been wanting to teach at since we moved to the area. I have been applying for jobs. So many friends have asked me why I am job hunting, this has kind of come up out of know where…or so it would seem to anyone not living inside my head. I have been going stir-crazy lately, maybe it is the winter blues, maybe it is that my kids are getting that much more independent, maybe it is just the stagnation of my life as of late. Honestly this whole post could go on into deep discussion of all the reasons why (seriously it could I just wrote and then deleted three paragraphs about it.) It simply comes down to the simple fact that way deep down in my heart of hearts I know that I need a change. I also know deep down in my hearts of hearts that this change will not hurt my babies in the slightest. Heck I was a daycare kid and now I write a BLOG! Kidding…any animal with an internet connection can write a blog. Though my grandma thinks it is pretty cool.
What this Woeful Wednesday post is all about it is…feeling woeful on a Wednesday…I don’t need to explain myself on my own blog. Geeze! I am woeful because of my craptastic performance at my interview this morning even though my outfit was to die for! I am woeful because my mind has been on Rowan a lot lately. I am woeful because life doesn’t always follow the nicely bullet-ed outline you’ve had typed up in your brain since the 7th grade. Woeful because I am not who I was four years ago…I can not figure out if I am ok with that or not. Woeful because I am trying to learn to be patient…patient for something worth waiting for. I am woeful because…well… I am a woman and we just simply get woeful. So let me sit here and cry “woe is me”, and drink my wine, and continue to let the sweet, smooth voice of my
imaginary boyfriend Bruno Mars sing to me.
I am feeling a change, a really nice, cleansing change. The kind of change that comes around a few times a year…if that. This is that change where the clouds go away and the grass turns green, and all that you can feel is the warmth of the sun on your skin. This is exactly what I need. I need a wonderfully simple change to clear my mind of the grimy dust and the thick clouds that the past year has left. I am really hoping this change permeates through my brain and leaves a lasting effect.
This warmer sunnier weather has opened my mind and eyes…to brighter days ahead. It is helping me regain my confidence. I can handle life…every damn day of it. I will get what I want out of life…I am not afraid of putting in the hard work. I have never been one to settle…I have always needed to try my hardest and make it what I want…why stop now. Wait and see…this Kitchen Dancer will be dancing right up to and over this hill. Here I go.